The Spider

At the age of 11, I sat at a corner of my closet wall, hiding under my hanging clothes across a wall with a mirror in front of me. Through the empty spaces between my hanging clothes I could see a duplicate figure of my half body in the mirror. The only things I couldn’t see yet or feel were my warm tears running down my red and drowsy eyes. I had cried too long to even remember.

Earlier that day, I received an F on my English progress report. I couldn’t understand what I had done wrong. I was in an ESOL English class and I was getting all the attention needed from my teachers. In addition, being an ESOL student meant an easy A grade since the work burden was nothing compared to a regular English class. That day I felt like a “loser.” I didn’t blame myself for living in India for 11 years. Neither did I blame my parents for not being able to communicate with me in English every day. Instead, I blamed the cultural differences that took place between the two nations.

Being the new foreigners was not easy for my family. Finding jobs, paying all the bills, and trying to fit in a community that did things differently was the biggest challenge we faced. But the biggest challenge for me was being able to understand how the school system worked, why the homework and class work assignments were a big deal, and why I took the whole class period doing my class work while the other kids would be done with it in minutes.

I sat there in darkness while my tears stopped, dripping on my clothes and dried out on my checks. I sat there telling myself that I was stupid, dumb, and that maybe something was wrong with me. I sat there telling myself that I was a “loser” until I saw something from the corner of my eye. It was a spider on the sidewall trying to climb up and reach its web safely. It fell on its back in the first attempt but slowly jumped up on its feet for the second trial. It fell again and again but it didn’t stop trying. It finally made it home and brought a smile to my face.

Seven years have passed and I still sit on the same spot, hoping to encounter the spider that inspired me to face the failure within me and try to change myself instead of blaming the cultural differences that will always exist. It has helped me to convert a foreign language into a home language through reading and writing. Within the years, the spider has taught me that the first failure is the first step to success.